That is what I told Eden this morning. Yes, it is easy to wonder what she would look like if she was still alive today, but it is better if I focus on the time we HAD with her. That is why it is okay to be sad and let grief cover our home. We don't want to forget her and the impressions she left on our hearts and lives.
It has been most interesting some little things that have happened lately leading up to this day. One day last week (Friday I think) Bella, Bereket, Eden, and I were headed back home from Oak Bar. The older kids stayed over there with their cousins and a big weekend was planned with a lot of young kids coming. Anyway, Bella asked me out of the blue if Kohlie was her sister. She knew this of course but I told her yes. Then, she took Bereket's hand and said, "Do you know that Kohlie is my sister?!! Yeah! Can you say, Kohlie?!! She got cancer and she died." Oh, my heart be still, this is coming from a four year old.
Yesterday we had the privilege of very many young kids and the parents at our house for morning meeting. There were over 100 people. IT was a very touching, rich meeting and of course, my thoughts were on Kohlie and her little life and the reminders that life is short... So, Eden saw that I was very emotional and this always makes her uncomfortable. Anyway, after meeting she told me she had a kleenex for me because I was crying. (I did not even notice since Bereket was on my lap and I already had one.) Well, after the meeting Eden eventually told us that her tummy was hurting. I found this to be quite a surprise because she has a pretty tough tummy!!
She did not eat lunch (if you know Eden, that is VERY unusual). Later, upon coming back home since she wasn't feeling well, I had time to slow down and think about it all. That is when I really began to wonder if Eden's tummy troubles was because of emotions herself thinking of Kohlie. This morning I asked Eden what she was thinking of after meeting Yesterday. It took her a VERY long time to finally get it out that she was thinking of Kohlie. Just that. I knew it was the case, but I had to let HER tell me. She has a hard time trusting us with her feelings because she is SO used to protecting herself. Anyway, it was a very emotional bonding moment for the two of us after she finally told me and I could talk to her about having hurt in our heart.
That is when I told her that I was a lucky Momma to have Kohlie for four years and that I was sad that I missed Eden's first years but I am so lucky to be Eden's Momma for the rest of her life! Her eyes lit up and she was happy! I also told her that I know she has a lot of hurt in her heart and we talked about her missing her aunt and people at KVI but I told her that it is hard for me to help her unless she tells me. Anyway, I also reminded her that it is okay to cry and it is nothing to feel bad about. In fact, crying oftentimes makes us feel better!!!!
So, four years ago and somehow.... we are still living and moving on. There have been so many memories coming to my mind and the hardest ones of this anniversary is the dying memories...... Nothing more to say than witnessing the death of my child has been the MOST life changing thing I have experienced. So much in life can be altered but death is so final!
These pictures are from my old phone and I have not ever shared them before but they are some of my most prized pictures because they stayed on my phone with me and I looked at them often and some of them I had on my phone screen for a long time!
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| stem cell transpant |
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| transplant |
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| Momma and Kohlie at day hospital one time |
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| She was getting red blood cells transfusion or platlets.. |
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| ....or both.. but this time still stands out to me as one of our sweet times together! |
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| sleeping with her Georgie blanket in her stoller |
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| at the hospital... this was our life! |
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| Mom and Kohlie!! LOVE! |
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| Auntie Crystal and Kohlie!!! |
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| pretty sure this was during her immuno therapy. |
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| Gilroy Gardens. Even tho this pict isn't clear I love it! |
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| Waiting for the doctor.. |
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| and there is her sweet personality!! |
5 comments:
Love this post. It's very touching. She was a cute and sweet girl, even though I never got to meet her! :)
Thanks for sharing so much of your feelings and your hearts with us, Momma. I love you so very much! My heart has been aching for some weeks now every time I think of Kohlie and she has been coming to mind a lot. I love that last picture of her! It reminds me of the "mile all gone video. Love you, dear cousin!
I'm so glad that you've shared these pictures and some about her again. I've been reading your blog for over a year now, and I appreciate your perspective very much.
Ken and Char Pointer shared with us once (they were our elders) that someone once watched her for awhile when you were gone. Apparently she was afraid/nervous or something, but when they started to sing Tell me The Story of Jesus, she settled right down. I've thought of this SO often.
Lenaya,
I believe that was prob. Our workers then (Margaret Blair & Sara Stickland) who were staying with her when she was in for transplant & letting me get a small break!! Thanks for sharing!!
Lani,
I posted her smile video!!! Love that one 2!!
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