Let My Heart Be Not Weary

...yet today, it is!

It seems the way of my life.  Am I struggling for something?!  Sometimes it is hard not to worry, to feel anxious, to fret and pine.  There is only ONE who can truly be my strength.

It's as if Eden some how had an idea that we have been formulating a plan for her.  After a patchy weekend from the party, things seemed to be getting back in the right direction after a very lengthy talk between Eden and her parents.  That time to tell her we really DO want to make good choices for you but we can't do that.  We really DO love you no matter what and you will ALWAYS be in our family!!  It's interesting to hear her articulate her feelings (when she can and wants to) and hear what her heart tells her.  It is interesting and also sad to hear what her heart believes because so often it is lies.

The behavioral issues became derailed once again this week, starting with Monday when I had an appointment and decided I would leave the kids with Treva at home because it would not be long and I would be back right after my appointment.  Yes, it's kinda weird but Treva is so capable.  Let me say, probably way more capable than most...!  Anyway, this plan seemed to settle fine with all and it was kind of a "fun" thing because Mom would be gone.  Things seemed to be fine when I arrived home and Treva had lunch almost completely together!!!

The girls seemed to be playing well and when I questioned how things went, well, there were bumps.  NOT SURPRISING!!  Eden does not take direction well from her older sisters.  She just does not want to listen to them and she would rather be in control.  Anyway, that was the start of the downward spiraling behavior, even though I said we could still make good choices even though bad choices had already been made.

Today we had cousin Ira stay over with Cyrus (even though Cyrus is NOT on spring break, the rest of the kids are!!) and we had a fun relaxing morning and then spent more time around the breakfast table than usual eating pancake and eggs (and drinking coffee for me)!  Even after a very enjoyable morning, Eden was not able to make good choices and it went much similar to last night, where she was in my face every two seconds, like she had some fear driving her.  It was so odd, but once again I felt like she knew something was up!

So, I told her.  I wanted to put it off for as long as I could because she fears the unknowns and details of anything new or out of schedule.  I was pulling out clothes to put in a suitcase for her.  I said to her, "Eden, you will be going away for a few days to spend time with Krista."  Immediately she started crying.  "I don't want to go away from my family," she told me.  I said, "You will be taken care of.  You remember Krista.  You had a lot of fun with her when Mommy and Daddy were gone to Hawaii!"  "Could you come with me?" she asked.  "No, I will be staying with the other children and taking care of them and Daddy too."  "I don't want to go by myself," she sobbed.  I knew the deep fear of something new and in this case she was going some place by her self (that she hasn't been before), without any other family members for the first time since joining her family and I knew she didn't know if that was safe even though she trusts Krista.  I felt for her but then I told her, "When you come back you will probably be very happy to see your family again!"

Truth is, this break (however hard it feels for Eden or I) may help to put some things in perspective for Eden and it may help our family miss her and her miss us.  I told Eden that the break might be helpful to her and that Krista would be helping her with some big feelings while she is away.  

Tomorrow, Eden will be leaving to spend the rest of her spring break away from home.  She will be very taken care of and she will have more opportunity to get help for those "big feelings" where someone will be very experienced with guiding her through them and knowing better how to encourage her.

It feels odd and I don't like it really, but the break (as sad as it sounds, people) might be the best thing for our family AND Eden!  Bereket often reacts to Eden and then he gets into kind of a downward  / rejection mode himself. 

Maybe there will be a little peaceful relaxation around here.

like this, Bella rubbing my feet

 And enjoying the signs of spring!

inside the house

Enjoying all the beauty that is so near but so easily missed because of the stress and busyness of life!

or outside!

 Maybe even a little work in the dirt will happen since we have now mowed for the first time this spring!!

 And maybe I will even get to love on this little guy who often gets shuffled away in the crazy and he is usually just happy as can be!

wearing his milkstache

 My biggest girls will have their very own Mom time.

 Bella will be her own goofy self but  maybe I will laugh out loud with her!

 Because I can tell they are all growing up so fast and I won't get that back!!

One of the picts Treva took of Katreese!