It's been a challenging week, following a pretty decent one really (which was the week after I got back from my vacation.) I was very encouraged that Eden responded so well to my coming back instead of feeling like I was getting paid back for being gone, or leaving her as times before. I was encouraged and felt maybe we were making headway in her realizing that even if Mommy leaves, she WILL be coming back and everything WILL be okay!!
Then, this week it seemed like no matter how blue in the face we tried to talk about making good choices or encourage Eden in the right way, she veered off the OTHER way, making bad choices especially at school! Today it dawned on me that I had given her "extra" incentive (in my mind) for making good choices Yesterday so she could be a part of the fun at school today, which involved an Easter egg hunt, party, and program. No success there. I had been thinking that the last party they had at school (Valentines Day) Eden had to be excluded for bad choices as well.
I was thinking back today as I was talking to a trusty friend and realized that almost ALL events but mostly parties, set Eden off. Then, I thought to her life in Ethiopia and realized that the two prominent "parties" in her life was when they butchered a chicken (food means party in Ethiopia)and had a farewell party for Eden before she went to the orphanage. The other prominent one was the farewell ceremony that they had for Eden with her Aunt in attendance right before Eden came to America and it was the last time she ever saw her aunt. They danced, sang, and ate food!
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| the farewell ceremony at KVI with her aunt |
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| They were singing and clapping |
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| one of the nannies, here consoling her while she is crying |
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| she opened gifts |
Today it dawned on me that "parties" are a fear trigger for Eden and very most likely she had no conscious idea that she was being "triggered" and reacting the way she does. It is also very likely she is subconsciously trying to make it so she doesn't have to go to school (even though she really does get excited about it and doesn't want to miss out) because of her deepest fears and the unknowns. She is most secure in home where she is closest to me (since I signify her aunt in many ways.)
The above pictures that I received from our agency have haunted me many of times and continue to this day! That sad, lost, bewildered girl in the pictures above came back today. Even though Eden stayed home and was not a part of the Easter egg hunt and festivities as the other kids were, she was a part of the program because she had parts in it and her classmates and teachers were depending on her, but as I watched her through the program my heart literally broke!! There was the sad, alone, bewildered little girl once again and I felt somehow we had let her down.
Why? Because I did't want her to ever have to experience those feelings again that she had to in Ethiopia but I have no control over such things. Once I believed love and firm boundaries with consistency would be enough to heal the broken hearted. Now I realize it may have to be a miracle... but we won't give up hope!
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| Eden in the program. |
3 comments:
Dont forget what time can do for her. A child needs love, respect and confirmation over and over and over an over again. When she realizes she is normal, treated just like the other kids and well loved, she will not fear.
Oh, sweet girl. The grief is deep and real...and walking through it is harder than I ever imagined. Hugs to you all.
Kiera (not adopted) gets very stressed out on party day at her school too. I think for her, it means other parents will be there, and that scares her. Also school is very structured and she knows what will happen and when. but party days are all different and it makes her very nervous!! I usually go and she is still very nervous and clings to me the whole time! She wants to be there, but just never knows what is going to happen next! on the assembly days, she has even had to go to the office as she was so panicked by what would be in the gym, that she flipped out and she sat in the office the whole time!! good luck with her!!
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