This is a post that will be very hard and personal to write for me. Really, the truth is that it shows weakness and that is hard for my human pride. Please continue with respect for those of you who have NOT been through the adoption process. You see, I have always known that I am NOT perfect, I am NOT super Mom, I need very much the help of my husband and most of all, God, in this journey of life. Going through the hospital days, watching our daughter, Kohlie, fight for her life with cancer and then eventually lose her life to cancer taught me more about these things than I knew before......... I have now pushed myself for so long taking care of my precious four biological children through the adjustment of 2 children being added to our family, and then caring and meeting the needs of Eden and Bereket, who in so many ways have had needs of a newborn, that I have reached my limits. I know this. My family knows this.
It is time, past time really to step away and this will be one of the hardest things for me to do. I have no place I want to go or desire to go. You see, I just want to be here in my home with my family, enjoying summertime and our lovely place. BUT.... I MUST step away for the sake of my family and ME! At some point, I started detaching my feelings. I was running on low (needing refueling) but it wasn't possible. End of school, baseball season, last days of school, convention, graduations, wedding commitments. I have finally reached a point where I CAN leave for some days and get away. My children know that Momma's patience is a rarity these days, my voice becomes loud too much and too quickly (which doesn't help security in the newbies), the smallest things seem to irritate me to no end, my outpouring of love is not there. I AM ONLY SURVIVING...
I am weak. This is the truth. I am only human. I cannot be super MOM!! I am reminded of the time after Kohlie passed away and that in my grief my emotional state wore on my human body in all sort of ways that my health had never experienced. I am reminded again that our emotional well being effects our physical well being. Maybe this is the only way we will listen to our body, when it is showing me you have to stop!! Just stop. As a mother, it is really hard to take the time you need for YOU!!! It is so easy for the guilt to creep in and say, "You're just not good enough! You're just not trying hard enough!! You just aren't being Godly enough!"
If anything, I want to write this post to other mothers (whether adoptive mothers or not) and encourage you to take time for you! I am not a good example of this, but it is so hard to put yourself first sometimes!! Once again, I want to keep things REAL! My newbies are still in the process of adjustment. Even though things look so good when we are out and about (they are always on their best behavior then) it is a different story at home! That is not to say that both Eden and Bereket are not doing well either. They still have much more they have to go through to settle completely into our family and build security.
I have to take time now so that I can be strong again for time to come! I will be blog breaking!! No needs except my own and you probably are right! I will feel a little lost and I will miss my family!! Best of all is that MY momma is coming to stay with our kiddos! I am SO thankful beyond words that my mother will be here and that I can rest assured things will be okay without me for some days!
Is there anything I plan to do for sure? After giving myself time and opportunity to think about it, I hope to lay by a pool and soak up sun (I really am not a sunbather either, but this is one way I learned to relax after Kohlie passed away), sleep whenever I can, then drink some good Peets coffee, possibly do some therapy shopping, and that is about it folks!!
P.S. - I also know that there is no need for me to explain myself. I have found that sharing difficult things, though, can sometimes be beneficial to another and also being me some understanding for myself of my own feelings and thoughts.
14 comments:
Good for you!!!!
I am SO glad your mom can come!!
This is the best post of them all! Remember you are not neglecting your kids when you have your mother come stay with them. They will have fun. Grandma's are GREAT therapy for kids. I only have one and I love my "kid's at grandma's time!". I will miss your blog though! I hope the shopping helps!! Sounds fun!
I have had to learn to not feel guilty for things that I thought as a mom I have to do but am not good at ... and I thought I should be perfect at ... ha. Recognizing ones self and accepting is good! Really have fun soaking up sun! It will be best for your wonderful family in the long run!
Good for you! :)
Obviously, I haven't adopted kids. However, I vividly remember a situation where my body was telling me long and loud that I COULD NOT keep going that way. Something had to give and I didn't want it to be my long-term health! I had to make a choice for my family that was the very hardest thing to do. It was the right choice, but oh-so-difficult to admit I couldn't do it all endlessly. Kudos for taking time. Soak it up. :D
You are feeling and saying what a lot of moms (without adoptive children who need extra love and time and attention) experience. So glad you are being real and honest. Please enjoy your R&R time without feeling guilty--grandma will love having time with the grandkids! Sleep, eat great food, read, shop,and soak up the sun!! Hope you will feel rejuvenated again! Hugs!!
Shirley F
You are a VERY WISE MAMA! Enjoy your time away; everyone will benefit from it!
After reading this post I just want to give you a big hug! It's during these times that we gain much more ground spiritually as well because it becomes so clear where our strength comes from. I hope you're enjoying your R&R! Your mom will LOVE her time with the grand kids and you have peace of mind knowing they're in grandma's loving care.
Thanks for this honest post. Taking care of yourself is teaching all of your kids a valuable lesson. Parenting adopted kids takes on a totally different emotional stress and you most definitely need a break. Grandmas are such an integral part in a child's life experience, as well. Relax, sleep, do whatever revives you. You will need extra energy when you get back (extra behavior testing), but you going away (and coming back) is a good step for attachment, too. Prayers and hugs and best wishes for you to be revived in every way necessary!
So glad you are getting your needed break :) Remember there are lots of us who have been in the same boat, at least with the adoption part, feel free to call and talk if you want :)
Tammia, thanks for the reminder that leaving them & showing them that Momma does come back is a good lesson too!! I am also aware of challenges I will face stepping back in but hope that they will see i am in a good place again to face it all!!
Thanks, Donna!! I do appreciate it & it wd prob be helpful to talk sometime!! Feel like I have been so consumed....!!
Love this post because my sister and I were just talking the other day about the need for mothers to have time away to recharge their batteries without feeling quilty and realizing that it actually is helping their family because they come back more able to cope. My sister and I are looking forward to having a getaway this summer. Take care and have fun!!
Well, this is what I get for not being very "on top of things" in the blogging world. Angelina, you take the time you need to rest and rejuvenate and be the wonderful Momma you are when you get back. Hugs to you.
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