I am writing another post to "follow up" my last post to address some comments. First off, I hope that my readers will first and foremost respect what is being written once again because it is being REAL and many avoid bringing things to light that are not easy.
Secondly, I want to reiterate that fact that I am open to comments and love to hear feedback because I want the very best for all my children. I am not afraid to get into conversations that are uncomfortable but chances are, if I feel like I am being attacked or wrongfully judged and it involves my "newbies" especially, I will be uncomfortable and very likely defensive because I am Mamma Bear and I am putting forth a lot of effort to do what I feel is right and best for them!
Next, for those of you who did suggest professional help for Eden and I, we have done some work with a child psychologist (who specializes with children from hard places) and I believe it truly has helped Eden get through some of her deeper fears. We no longer feel that to be true with her although there will always be scars from her past, we have seen so much progress with Eden being secure in our home. We plan to continue doing more "therapy" as needed.
Lastly, the thing that has been on my mind is what one of my readers left for a comment about RAD. I read about this before Eden and Bereket came home and I read about it after they came home and I also knew that there was a very high chance that both Eden and Bereket could be labeled as RAD children. No, I haven't said anything about it because I have a problem with all these labels nowadays that are being put on children: PSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder), RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome), .... and on and on!!! My problem is not that it may be true but I don't want to label my children and be found telling everyone that my children have RAD.... I will try to clarify myself on this subject since many of you may think I am belittling these labels or kids with these disorders!! NOT TRUE!! I do believe there are many kids with many of these disorders. The truth is, I don't want to put a label on my children and have it become an excuse or crutch for them to not achieve the best that they can be!! I know too many people that have used many reasons (background, childhood upbringing, their past) to keep them from being all that they can be!!!
However, sometimes understanding why our children act a certain way helps us as parents to have a little more patience and to look at things in a little different light to be able to guide them better in life!! Therefor, for a reminder to myself and my readers this is what RAD looks like:
* Superficially engaging and charming behaviors (Bereket, Eden)
* Lack of eye contact on parental terms (Bereket )
*Indiscriminate affection with strangers (Bereket)
*Lack of affection (cuddliness) on parent's terms
*Destructiveness to self, others and material things (accident prone)
*Cruelty to animals
*Stealing
*Lying about the obvious (crazy lying) (Eden)
*Lack of impulse controls (hyperactive-type behavior) (Eden)
*Learning lags
*Absence of conscience
*Lack of cause and effect thinking
*Abnormal eating patterns (???)
*Poor peer relations
*Preoccupation with fire
*Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter (Bereket & Eden)
*Inappropriate demands and clingy behavior
*Abnormal speech pattern
Interestingly enough, when I went through this list there weren't as many as I thought really were true of Eden and Bereket. The comment that I found very helpful for us, though, was from someone who had an adopted son and in their comment they said that Foster / Adopted children feel "thrown away" and suffer from abandonment. So, they lie and manipulate everything and it can become such a habit that is hard to overcome. They will act in a very bad way to test if they will be abandoned again. ((I hope the person who reamined anonymous when they left that comment on my blog doesn't mind me sharing this because I found it to be a very helpful reminder!!!!))
4 comments:
Hi there! I am the one who left comments about RAD. I in no way was meaning it as a label of your children. I mentioned it in case you had not read about it. I don't like labels either!!!! I am so glad we were required to take the classes that we took because I had no idea of what foster/adopt kids are about. We learned so much, and dealing with this type is so different than your own bio-child.
We are into this going on 6 years now and it is feeling normal and we deal with "stuff" now in a normal way. We still deal with control issues but on a smaller scale and less frequent.
Our son was put in foster care when he was 2 days old. He was in 4homes by the time he was 1 1/2 years old. He then was placed in a home at 1 1/2 years old and was there until he was 5 1/2 years old. He was supposed to be adopted by this family but they changed their mind. So he was good and set up to feeling like a THROW-AWAY.
We got him then at 5 1/2 and now he is 11. It has been a long road.
BUT, I wouldn't trade it for anything. We have had ups and downs, we have had so much fun with our child. WE have all grown so much in this process.
I will write more later. I am from TEXAS so I will go by that.
When I watched you with them at the spray park, you are doing a great job! Eden was so excited about the water, but wanted mom's hand, or sisters hand. She is bonded with them and you so much already! Breket just wanted to hold on to momma! I would say you may have a long ways to go, but you have loved them, and they know it! Good job MOM and DAD!
Hi, Texas!! Just want you to know that I was in no way thinking you were labeling my children!!! We took classes as well but it seems like there is still no way to be fully prepared for things to come.....! Thanks for your comments & it's wonderful to hear your positive outlook!!!
Thanks. Kylee!!! We still have a long ways to go but thanks for the reminder of progress thats been made!!
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