I left on my Mama break being long overdue with my nerves hanging together only by a thread. This is no joke and no exaggeration. I am a sensitive person and have put so much into making sure Eden and Bereket get a loving, healthy, secure start in our family. Never did I expect to get to the point of where I was before my Mama break emotionally.
I believe that Eden has never been held completely accountable for her actions. When she was raised by her aunt, her aunt worked and oftentimes left Eden alone by herself at their "house." When Eden was at KVI, she never had one nanny who followed through completely because there were so many. I do have to say, though, that KVI did have strict rules. The thing is, Eden has never had ONE person (like me) that pays attention to everything she does and catches her lies and pretending. I have learned her very well and can oftentimes read her emotions and thinking correctly. I suppose this has become a little unnerving to Eden. If you never had that before in your life, it could be a bit scary. Eden has tested me harder than ever since I have returned home.
I expected that this would happen and I tried to prepare for it but the road has taken me a different way than I ever expected and left me pretty desperate with Eden. More than anything, I think she wants to make sure that whatever she does or anything she says that I will still love her and not reject her. Eden is trying to control me and everyone around her because she has been stripped in the months after coming to our house, revealing the true inner Eden. I don't know if it makes sense, but I can only imagine that once you have lost control of almost everything, you would want to somehow regain control of something...anything, even if it is those you love most!
Pretending, lying, controlling is how our Eden is these days and it isn't lovely. It is very hard for this momma to keep her patience and to remember where she has come from and how far she has come.... It is not only hard on Eden but it is hard on the rest of our family!! I am praying that this hard time Eden is going through will lead to a deeper happiness and true acceptance in her self.
So, the part of getting back in the saddle? Well, there are times I want to bail but I know that will not help any ONE in our family. There are times when the enemy wants to tell me lies that I am not doing good enough, or it's my fault. The truth is, I have to be steady in the "saddle" with the stirrups on and my hand gripped fiercely on the horn because I have to really hang on when there are turns and pot holes I sure didn't see coming!!! Most of all, may my strength and trust be in the Lord!
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| I never want to lose my focus as a parent. It is not to be their friend, but to have a close relationship with them in all things and to guide them in a Godly way and to love them with every fiber of my being. |
6 comments:
sounds like Eden's issues need professional help. For you and Eden.
I don't think it's fair on her to expect her to fit into your family. She did not choose you. She didn't choose anything.
I speak as an adoptee.
You may very well want to close your blog to me because you do not know me and what I say makes you uncomfortable.
This is the very reason I hesitate to post certain things because there is no way you can see the whole picture by just reading my blog or reading one post. All I know is that lying and controlling is not an okay way to get attention. I believe Eden is testing me to make sure I am really in for the long haul and there is a good chance that me being away was really hard for her since her aunt was her only stability & she left her or gave her up in her mind. You are right. Eden did not choose us & did not choose her life. We accept Eden as who she is: an Ethiopian girl that claps loud and sings her Amharic music and enjoys life!!
Please understand I only want the very best for Eden and nothing less than that!!!! I love her dearly and watch out for the Mamma Bear in me!!!
Yes, she is testing you to make sure you are in it for the long haul. She is making sure YOU are going to keep her. Foster/Adopted children are a different breed, they just are. They have a hole in their heart, and they obsessively try to fill it up. As their parent, it is our job to teach them to fill-up with good things instead of bad things. Then when they are grown and on there own they will know good from bad.
Foster/Adopted children feel "throwed away" and suffer from abandonment. So, they lie and manipulate everything. It becomes such a habit that is very hard to overcome but in time they will. They are going to act in a very bad way and then if they are abandon they can say, "See, they don't want me either!" This in turn sets up a cycle. My adopted son carried on this very same behavior. We were taught a lot about it in the classes we had to take before we fostered and then adopted him. Thank goodness we knew what was coming. It has been five years since we adopted him and it is hard to believe we don't deal with hardly any bad behavior any more. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. Now when I look back, I can see that sometimes "I" was too hard on my son, "I" got overwhelmed and sometimes "I" did sweat the small stuff. There were times when I thought we were taking 5 steps forward only to go 15 steps backward. I finally decided to be more patient and it never hurt to just start over. One awful day I just told my son, "Lets just start over, all of us." It worked so well and everyone felt so much better. I try to hold him as much as I can or just always be touching him in some way, and most of all just love him to pieces.
I always feel better if I google and read info about RAD. YOU know your on the right track.
When we took 12 classes to be foster parents, in the middle and at the end of every single class the teacher would always say, "The child is not here for you,....YOU are here for the child." I just loved that and I remember it every day. So, we have a big responsibility and I am betting we can do it.
A blog reader.
Thank you SO much for that comment!!! Just what I needed to hear and exactly what this Mamma was feeling was true!!! I understand it will take time...
I really think you need to be commended for posting your heart and your struggles on here. I think we all need a place where we feel free to share what our daily life is like. Adoption is SOOO many things, and everyone's experience is so different.
We just got back from our annual gathering of adopted families, and I think one of my more favorite times at those gatherings is talking with the other moms and sharing what each girl is going through. We all need that support system, and we all need to be able to share without fear of being judged, but maybe with hope of encouragement.
I remember reading a book about adoption years ago, and reading that for as much as we love our adopted children, and even when they themselves know we love them, deep down in their heart, and mind they struggle with the thought, that there was someone out there that didn't love them enough to keep them. It's so hard to know just what goes through their little minds and hearts...just keep lovin' and going to Him for your strength. He will see you through.
(((hugs))))
These comments were helpful to me, as well. I'm an adoptive mother and have 2 adopted siblings. I'm always thankful to learn new insight from adult adoptees with their unique perspective. I don't agree with how adoption seems to be romanticized in our culture. I cringe when strangers and friends alike say: Your daughter is so lucky." Or, "She was young, she won't remember." And while I wholeheartedly believe every orphan deserves and needs a family, there is so much involved in the journey, for both the children and the adoptive parents. Thank you for honestly sharing your real experience, Angela. We can all learn from and support each other. One thing my sister keeps telling me is to consistently be open and honest with my adopted daughter and to let her share her feelings, no matter what. No judgment, no expectations, just an empathetic ear and an attitude of acceptance. My daughter isn't very verbal yet, but I am seeing concerning behavior such as lying and manipulating. It starts early and is, no doubt, a response to her past, where she learned at a young age she can't trust or depend on people. (And I agree this behavior needs to be dealt with and would welcome any been-there advice on how to handle it!)
In the middle of everything, sometimes it's hard to take a step back. But oh, these precious little souls.
I would recommend professional help, as well. I have talked with two different attachment therapists and have been encouraged from their "looking on" advice. And someday, possibly my daughter will feel more comfortable working through things with a professional than with me.
In the meantime, thank goodness for breaks to gain perspective, for smiles and genuine love from our children learning to trust again, and for a loving God who knows our kids' complete past and will give the necessary strength and wisdom in the here & now.
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