The Process

Adoption is such a process.  The reason it is called a process is because the very beginning of the adoption journey is so many steps but that is not it.  The endless paperwork, money, training classes.  Then, you finally get your child or children in your home but the process has not finished yet.  In fact, it really has just begun!  Once you get past the "honeymoon phase" you are not finished.  Like Cade mentioned to me this very morning, "Now the children are in our home and only one chapter has finished."  The paper process and even that is more than just mere endless paperwork.  So many people will never understand the emotional process as well!!

So, then expectations can change in each part of the process.  The first adjustment phase of the process is really so much adjustment to our routine with the new ones, boundaries, and with Eden it involved so much teaching (how to brush teeth, go to the toilet and wipe, eating with utensils, speaking English, etc).  For Bereket there is a lot of learning as well (sleeping in a different bed, eating, wait....backup.... chewing, swallowing, etc!)  Really, can you imagine all their little minds are taking in besides the cultural differences (weather change, riding in a car, different language)?  This first step is referred to as the "honeymoon phase" for our little ones.  The honeymoon phase is like when you get a new baby and everyone gets caught up in the newness of the situation, oos and aaws over Bereket's sweet little feet and hands, touching Eden's black, curly hair, etc).

The next step of the process is really truly seeing each child for who they are, getting to know them better, and with that, settling into our family deeper and them being more comfortable.  That is, when they are always on their best behavior because they are worried they may get sent back to Ethiopia.  So lately I have been really working with Eden on communication.  Sometimes we just practice talking, I call it.  I ask her a question and a lot of times it starts with "Why.." or "How do you feel when.."  She still has challenges with this because she cannot always think of the English word she wants to say or her answers just come out in English words that a sparractic, but we are making progress!  I am encouraging her to talk to me about her feelings and tell me how she feels and in doing this, we are creating a deeper bond as she becomes more comfortable.  She thought it was like school work, where so often there is only one answer.  She also has been known to say what she thinks I want to hear because she wants to please me, or to not be in trouble, as I heard her say today.  As you can imagine, this crushed me. 

So my mind is kind of caught up in our last conversation today when we were "practicing how to talk to each other."  Eden sometimes gets this look on her face and I can tell she is not at ease, but rather worried or scared.  I asked her today why she looked like she was worried when I was helping her with school work.  In fact, I was asking her how she thought out an answer.  She told me, "Because me be in trouble."  I explained that she was not in trouble and Mommy was just trying to help her.  I also told her that she did not have to be worried about getting in trouble.  We have to remember that her words come out slightly different a lot of times than we would use them.  We are finding that Eden is very sensitive and wants so badly for everything to be perfect (to please us).  I asked her if Bella and Bereket sometimes get in trouble?  She nodded her head.  Then, I went through all the other kids.  I asked, " Does Cyrus still make mistakes and sometimes get in trouble?"  She thought for a while and then grinned and said yes.  I agreed with her and told her that Cyrus is still learning and he still makes mistakes!  Then I asked her if Mommy still gets in trouble.  She thought for a while and then shook her head, "no."  I said, "Yes, Mommy still does get in trouble Eden.  Mommy makes mistakes and sometimes Dad will say, "Um, Mommy, ......"  You get the picture!!  She kind of laughed.  I went on to Daddy as well.  Then, I told her I didn't want her to be worried and scared.  I wanted her to be happy and to be Eden.  Not to be Katreese, Treva, or Bella, but to be Eden!!!  Anyway, then we were talking about Ethiopia somehow and she told me she did not want to go back to Ethiopia.  I wondered if she was thinking that if she was in trouble that we would send her back to Ethiopia, so I had to explain to her that we will NOT in any way let her go back to Ethiopia because she is in our family now and always going to be in our family because we want her in our family and because we love her very much!!

So, the process goes on....  Things continue to be brought to the surface with Eden.  It's a process, what can you expect?!  As she gets more confident with her English and communicating, I hope we can talk through more of her fears and worries and sadness.....and joys.... 

With Bereket, I feel that he just hasn't found his voice, so to speak.  We can't expect much else, though, when we look at the time he had in the orphanage and it was obvious that food was not a source of enjoyment so he learned to bear through his feedings in a way to survive.  He spent way too much time in his crib.  We witnessed his toys being taken away from him at his orphanage and I thought, "Wow, he is such a good-natured little guy because he didn't cry.  He did pick up some bad behavioral habits to get attention and love though.  Most two years old children don't need help speaking their minds.  I am glad to see that he will screech a bit when Bella tries to pick him up.  

So, these days with Bereket we are trying to help him find his voice.  Teaching him to nod his head if he wants something or shake his head (with the finger because he understands that from Ethiopia) "no."  I'll ask him, "Do you want to eat, Bereket?"  and often point to his high chair or mouth.  I'll ask, "Do you need a diaper, Bereket?"  He understands it all, I have no doubt, but he still often times just repeats what we say.  "Eat."  "Diaper."  "Night-night."  I will post a couple of videos I took of the other day after we just had a lesson about yes and no with shaking our heads.  This can be such a tough thing, because as you all know he sometimes has to go to the corner because he can get really pouty!!  I have to validate his feelings for him yet make sure he understands that SOME behavior is not appropriate!!  As you all may remember, too, about the time he threw up because he got so full after eating, we are still walking a balancing act with that as well.  He does not know when he is full yet, but with time and teaching him to speak for himself, we want to help him to learn to use his voice.


A couple notes:  Gobez in Amharic means good job!  Also, Mommy was really making sure you all could see him shake his head!!  LOL!!