We are almost to our 2 year anniversary of when Eden came into our home. In these past two years we have learned her well, not just to try to help her but because we have wanted to learn everything there is to know about her. While I am sure there are gaps we still don't understand and know about, one thing we have learned is that Eden became the master of manipulation. After all, that was her survival skill.
We have been through so many things as to help Eden in the past two years. We had the help of a friend, who gave us many ideas to help her. We hired a therapist, we made a designated chair for Eden as her "worry chair" so without using any words she could sit there and let the family know things weren't okay with her and we could give her hugs. We gave her a LOT of time so she could talk, we had her jump on the trampoline to help get out her tension, anxieties, we had her write and draw in her "worry notebook" where she didn't have to worry about being judged or misinterpreted, or have to find the words!
The thing is, sometimes these things worked and helped her but only for a short time until she learned how to manipulate them!! I couldn't figure why things were working out better and then all of the sudden they seemed to get turned. This is hard to describe but really she is great at controlling and soon she was in charge again, of the whole family!! She did not perceive our "help" as "help" but probably more like we were "out to get her!"
After our heart-to-heart talk with some friends, things became clearer to me. This lady said, "You know she is secure in your love and home and she knows she has it good!" She continued on, "Eden is playing into your guilt and care for her!" Manipulation. Truth is, when the lying and stealing started in our home I thought it was a bad thing, but I should have been patting myself on the back because that actually means that she has progressed in her attachment and security enough to do those things!!
Solution? Now I know this isn't for everyone, but right now what is working absolutely wonderful, is trying to avoid giving Eden situations where she CAN manipulate. That does mean you have to think everything through slower and be more deliberate in our words. Another thing, schedule, schedule, schedule!! For her, she needs this and it gives her less options to manipulate!
More than that, I have been integrating some of what we learned at the adoption conference the other week into our every day lives with her and the other children! More on that later....!
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| pict taken on Sunday |
2 comments:
I find your posts interesting because I know of several families that are going through attachment disorder at the moment. That said, on pure accident the other day one of Iron's library books was about that issue. I read it and it became SO clear what it was. I thought you might be interested, its a kids book so anyone can understand it too. The book is Porcupette Finds a Family by Vanita Oelschlager. We all wish we could help in any way possible to help adopted kids know how much they are truly loved and to trust in that love!
Amy, i don't believe what we are going through is attachment disorder am i have read about it but I am eager to get the book you commented on! Thanks!!
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