I feel that I am still trying to get out from under that cloud of grief!! It has just amazed me this time how much it has taken out of me! My physical being has very much struggled as my inner being has struggled to grapple the grief! I think it hit me so hard because of me putting it aside and trying to be strong instead of dealing with it. I am sure Eden has felt that my emotions have been out of whack! I become emotional out of nowhere at times and gotten crabby, etc and I know she doesn't understand why even though I did talk to her about Kohlie's death being five years ago! Then, the other day Bella asked to look at the photo albums and EVERY time she chooses the one of her after she was born and Kohlie up to Kohlie's death!!
My mother heart just aches for Eden to heal and to accept us fully and trust us fully as her family. Once again, I know that takes time and much, much patience. I know there has been speculation by some about my needing breaks but the things we deal with on a daily basis call for extreme patience and I am finding that I don't have near enough of it. Cade asked me the other day when he got home after work and knew I was dealing with Eden, "How do you have the patience for it?" I feel that so often she still is testing and it is more important than ever that I have the patience and the cool to deal with her behaviors. I have failed so often in the proper and correct ways to react to her behavior but I know that so often when I am exhausted in dealing with it, I am always extra short with her and the rest of the kids!!! Somehow, I hope to get through this summer and have good times that are enjoyable memories for the kids and myself!!
It has been such a busy summer. We have had extra cousins staying with us for the past month, almost constantly, as well as some of my older kids staying other places which does change family dynamics. Last year Eden just could NOT handle it. Progress has definitely been made in that area, though, because she has done better this summer but it still has brought challenges!! We have been in the process of repainting our house and shop (which includes scraping, etc.) and we are on hold now with that until August sometime when everything will get all painted (the bad areas have been prepared, primed, and painted already!)
Here is a bit of our July happenings:
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| Our cat had kitties (which is the first time that has happened at our place with the closest neighbors being 2 miles away!) |
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| five live kitties |
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| Autumn has had some time at our house |
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| we've done a little bit of home updating |
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| A new fireplace and a black face for me |
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| Oralea had time with us. Here Treva and her just got back from a morn run! |
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| Many hands helping scrape the house! Julia was staying with us and got lucky enough to help out with that! |
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| Cyrus and Uncle Don getting the sandblaster ready to go again! Cyrus did a lot of the sandblasting! |
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| Kohlie's anniversary (the kids put this together in her garden!) |
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| picnicking (Eden, Bella, and Autumn |
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| trips to Chico to see the dentist |
12 comments:
I love your updates!! Take as many breaks as you need. Who cares what people think!! God put Eden in your family for a reason. He knew you would be able to help her. I wish I had some inspiring words to help you, but it all sounds lame. I love checking your blog and I love that you are working with her and not just ignoring her. Just think she could have been with another family, probably sat in front of the TV, and never would have had the chance to know God as she will in your family. I have only met her a few times so i have no advice. But take as many breaks as you need, if anyone says anything they are just jelous!!
Kylee, You are a dear!!! Your comment uplifted this weary heart & I thank you so much for that!! Wish breaks were easier to make happen around here!!! Thanks, too, for your confidence in us & faith that Eden was put in our family fir a reason!! Needed to hear that too!! Just oftentimes feel so inadequate to parent her!!!
Like my cousin I do not have any words of wisdom or grand advice. I also love reading your blog, and I know I have told you before I appreciate your honesty! Parenting is hard and you have extra challenges that you are not trying to hide with a white picket fence, I admire that and your strength! I noticed you said, "I have failed so often in the proper and correct ways to react to her behavior" - be kind to yourself! There is not "perfect way" or "guide book" - their maybe ways you wish you would have done things different, but we ALL feel that way. I once read a book on attachment for school that stated parents mess up every 8 seconds! HA that makes us ALL pretty bad at the parenting gig! :) But the point the author was making is we also have a chance to learn and do things different AND that kids are resilient! Don't be too hard on yourself and I know the breaks are hard to coordinate and make happen - but take them when you can and find other ways you can take care of yourself too! Think of you so often!
I, too, love your blog and your openness and honesty. If people are going to ask you "how's it going" they need to expect to hear the reality!! I admire you so much...can't begin to imagine how you do it all. Yes, there are no perfect parents...all we can do is do our best. We do have limited time and energy--physically and emotionally and you are dealing with a loss of a child besides. Yes, please take all the breaks you need--you know when it's time to recharge. I totally agree with the other comments! Hang in there!
Thanks for your care & encouragement!! Means so very much!! I suppose I may be hard on myself @ times but The point I wanted upmost to make was that I am NOT perfect & do make mistakes!
Thanks, too, for your encouragement!! There are times when we all need some and I am thankful for it!!
Hello, I am one of the friends that live in Missouri. I read your blog and think of you often even though I don't know you personally. Today after I read this post I wish I lived closer to you so I could take Eden out for a day and give you a break. But I did think this morning that I can pray for you and ask god to give you patience and endurance. I think you are a wonderful Mom keep your head up! Hugs
Emily,
I thank you very much for thinking of us & keeping us in your prayers!! Wow! (...and if you lived closer I wd just take you up on your offer!!!
I don't think 'taking Eden for a day' is helpful.
Eden has probably experienced things that are beyond anyone's understanding and so much is expected of her to 'behave and fit in"
Was she sexually abused?
Yes, that's private information that ought not to be shared, but the lassie surely has sufferring beyond anybody's ken.
And she's no able to take a break from herself.
I suppose that is why the breaks are so far and few between but a break for me is better than me losing my sanity and I do have five other children to look after too!!!
Ah Angela your honesty allows the rest of us an insight into how we can encourage, hope for, pray and respect the work being done. Take care of you first and foremost, this allows you to be a better wife, mom, etc... I only have 2 kiddos and I fail daily to be the mom i want to be. There are times when my patience is so small I want to hide. You are NOT alone! I wish I could wave s mmagic wand and make it better foe Eden. Her precious life is better by being in your home. Of this I have NO doubt. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. ((HUGS))
Love you, dear Angela. You love fiercely and all your children are lucky to have a Momma like you. Don't be worrying about what the rest of us think. Do what you need to do for you and your family. Hugs. I think of you in your grieving and know it must seem overwhelming all the time. I love the "Kohlie" written in flowers. Sending you loads and loads of love.
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