It all came rushing back to me. My chest feels as if it is literally being crushed, the sadness overwhelms me at any given moment, I have had to drag myself out of bed with no desire or feeling of purpose to life. Oh, go away grief!! Then, I realized I have been pushing it away for some time. I haven't been allowing myself to feel sad because I have felt I need to be strong especially for my "newbies" who are so sensitive! There is just no convenient moment for grief!! It is hard, it takes so much emotional energy which leaves me feeling spent!
Last night after my crew hit the hay I allowed myself some grief time and I was looking through pictures!! It is crazy how I can still feel and smell Kohlie at times. I wish to hear her voice again and feel her embrace! I am thankful for the videos we do have of her though! I plan to spend time with my kids looking through pictures of Kohlie. This time it really hit me at how much my older kids have been through. I see their faces of the pictures with Kohlie when she was fighting cancer and I see their faces etched with pain, bewilderment, concerns.... They have been through so much!!
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| one of my favorites (never thought of Kohlie and I looking so much alike but we do in this pict! 8-2006 |
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| Absolutely cherish this one now that both these 2 are gone!! |
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| One of my favorites too, thanks to Alyssa! |
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| my beautiful chemo baby! |
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| one of my favs with her Daddy (9-2006) |
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| one of our forms of entertainment at the hospital (Kohlie taking down my hair) |
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| Heather B the summer she stayed with us (2007) |
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| Katreese and Kohlie 11-2007 |
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| Auntie Crystal and Kohlie 12-2007 |
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| one of my favorites also!!! |
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| Kohlie's 4th bday |
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| last time she saw Uncle Tristan (5-2008) |
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| May 2008 with Aunt Betty |
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| Gma Shirley and Kohlie 5-2008 |
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| Alyssa before kids :) reading to Kohlie and Katreese (5-2008) |
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| Kohlie and I looking at scrapbooks together (6-2008) |
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| 6-9-2008 I remember this time well because we had just got home from the dr and found out that the cancer was taking over and she was not able to bear weight on her legs at all anymore because the cancer was eating away at her bones! |
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| Daddy and Kohlie |
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| Kohlie some how managed a smile when the cancer was insufferably eating away at her bones! |
14 comments:
Wrapping you and your family up in our thoughts, prayers, and virtual hugs. ((((hug))))
Loved seeing your pictures.....thinking of you today!!
I can't imagine what you're going through, just know that God is there giving you strength! Thinking of you and yours. Hugs and prayers.
Only love to you, dear Momma. Only love. Many tears from this neck of the woods, but I know my grief pales in comparison to yours. As we pulled up to the race on Tuesday and I saw the van and Michelle, I absolutely lost it. Thankfully in the car away from prying and curious eyes. I wasn't expecting it. Michelle had bracelets in her fanny pack and one of them had Kohlie's name on it. I wasn't running with her the whole time so she kept pushing it back in. When I met up with her for the last mile, she pulled it out and gave it to me to wear and said, "Kohlie, has been wanting to come out to play every single mile of this race." So our last mile in was for Kohlie. The were other children's names on her shirt that also died from neuroblastoma. Anyway, I just want you to know my heart has been with you so much. Love you.
Oh and even thought it was probably awkward for people, many inquired anyway about the beautiful smiling girl... I was able to tell them about Kohlie and her beautiful smile and it felt good that somehow her smile was still being shared with people and remembered.
Very special.....!
That is what it is all about, remembering her, sharing about her!! As a Momma, you don't want to NOT talk about her!!! Thanks for sharing
Thanks so much, Darcie!! Powerful hug!!!!!
Thanks, Kylee and I am glad you enjoyed seeing picts of Kohlie!! I love looking through them!!!
Yes, God is still able!! Thankful for that!!
I'm so sorry for the loss of Kohlie, Angela. Thanks for sharing your heart and your pictures and your memories of your precious little girl. Much love to you.
With tears I read this post. Much care n love. The one wirh Christina is so precious abd always makes me teary
With tears I read this post. Much care n love. The one wirh Christina is so precious abd always makes me teary
The pict w/ Christina is a very, very special one indeed!! Thanks!
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