Finding Joy in the Unjoyful

Cade just asked me the other day how much I wrote about our struggles with Eden in particular.  Truly, not much as to shield her privacy.  However, on days such as this, I feel the need to write, to share some, maybe just because I myself am trying to make sense...

Today I wanted to go watch Treva play in her first game of this basketball season, in a tournament.  Today Eden did not go to school.  The days since our trip have been challenging and then it seemed that we were headed in a downward spiral with her, effecting each and everyone in our family!  Last night I told her she would not be going to school today.  Today therapy has been put in place, prioritized over basketball or any other thing going on in my life.... and it leaves me feeling pretty ragged...tired....worn!  A broken child, who still needs so much healing to take place.  Eden does not act out (screaming, throwing fits, etc) but she acts in, which means that she holds all her anger, grief, etc in and yet "acts out" because there are so many emotions locked in her.  Today has been a MUST for getting those emotions "unleashed!"  With a fury, a vengeance, the emotions finally released, until I began to wonder when, if, it would stop.

Now, the storm is over (for now) and she sleeps like a little baby much like her little brother, Bereket.  The heartache as I have mentioned of trying to be her mother, trying to help her, even when she doesn't want it, or yet, wants to upset me because of so much going on inside her!!  Some how I have to keep up my courage, I have to find the strength to get up and go again.... I have to accept I may never understand but my job as her mother is to love her amidst the storms that rage within her so the healing can take place..... For her to let go of Ethiopia and all that went wrong (not much went right)is something that is so hard for her to do....but I look forward to that time so that she can really "join" our family wholeheartedly!