The Pre-Vacation Frenzy

I don't even know how to start this post, but I will be brutally honest, I can say that!  I decided I needed to blog today (even though I still have 100 other things that I should be doing!)!  

The last days have been harder than I could have even imagined!  Cade and Cyrus left on Saturday and I felt pretty confident, even though I knew Cade would be gone and I knew that I could be dealing with a child (Eden) who is worried about our leaving for our trip.  What I didn't know and expect, was that she would go into full fledged panic mode.  Eden was in such serious panic mode that she really was not even present.  I had to tell her when to eat, how to do simple things, pull her away from danger (in town by carts, cars...)  She was stoic, with her wall put up as high and hard as it could be around her keep from exposing her fears, feelings, and worries!  

It has been another heart-wrenching and gut-aching experience for me.  My hopes of vacation with my kiddos (which is always extra hard for Eden anyway to be out of schedule) and extra fun activities and special times together were dashed, tore to pieces, as well as my will to move forward.  Thank goodness for an experienced person who was able to help Eden (&I) and guide us through such a tough time!  Really, it is hard to even talk about this in such a manner, because I am only touching the surface.  Much of what we experienced this weekend was more than I could share publicly, for Eden's privacy.

I kept telling myself that Eden did fine one year ago when we left her with my Mom (when Cade and I went to ET.)  Eden could repeat everything we have been assuring her of over the past weeks.  Eden will be staying with her siblings, Eden will be taken care of, Eden will be fed, Eden will not be left alone, there will be someone who will be available if she has feelings that need to be addressed, Mommy and Daddy need their time together, Mom and Dad will be back, Mom and Dad will be coming back, Mom and Dad will be coming back......!  Still, it's hard to comprehend the deep fear she has because she believed at one time in her life that she would never be left alone and that she would always be taken care of by her aunt.... but, that was not so.  In her mind, Eden's aunt left her......  Once again, my leaving is triggering a huge fear that I will leave her like her aunt did and it is compounded because Cade will also be leaving.  One year later, Eden realizes she has way more invested in this family she is part of and she doesn't want to lose it.  

On top of that, more trauma from Eden's past in ET has come to the surface!  I can't even imagine facing and enduring things she did at age 4-5 years old, not to mention the kind of wisdom (from all she has experienced)!  Yet, this girl is so emotionally young, like a newborn really...  Even though I know I couldn't control what happened to Eden, my heart is ripped out every time I hear her say, "I wish you would have been there!"  So, this is how our Thanksgiving week started off!  

Today the sun came out and I felt like it was signifying the rainbow after the storm.  Right now we are thankful for a bright day, the first day since Sunday that Eden has actually played and interacted with her sisters...!  This morning I watched Eden blowing bubbles into the air with Bella and I thought sadly, "She missed so much of her childhood, of just being a child!"  I am hoping for good days of just being together (keeping my newbies close to me) the next couple of days before Cade and I leave!