Patience

I have had such trouble gathering my thoughts for a post.  I am struggling to keep my head above water, so to speak.  Today it really hit me.  The problem is that I have used every bit of my energy up in the past while.  Kinda like a car running on empty.  No patience, lack of true empathy and feeling.  I am running on fumes....

One thing that Cade said this week has really kept coming back to me over and over.  These kids (Bereket and Eden) did not pick us, we choose them.  We took those steps to bring our two precious treasures into our family, knowing that we would have challenges ahead, yet there was no WAY we could really know what lay ahead.  "In love the Father ever veiled the future...."  

How much of my struggling has to do with being impatient?  I have always wanted everything done YESTERDAY.  God is still trying to work patience in me and so often I kick against it.  I don't like to have to be patient.  Let's be done already, okay?!!!

Today I took Bereket in for his follow-up doctor appointment.  Our doctor wanted to make sure he was gaining, on the upward trend.  HE'S NOT!  He weighed less than our visit three months ago!  I was floored but not surprised.  I explained to the doctor about his eating issues and how I have been setting the timer to 20 minutes and letting him feed himself.  I also told him I wasn't surprised about his weight (he weighed 21.6 Ib vs. 22 Ib last time, I think) but the good news is that since we have begun having him feed himself he is actually doing amazingly well!!!  Almost all the time now, he sits down and gets his spoon and gets right down to business.  He has manners, though, so if he starts ahead of the family, when we pray, he always stops and closes his eyes!!  LOVE THAT!  Our doctor said he is not worried but he thinks I am doing the right thing with him.  He says that kids his age won't starve themselves.

What is interesting is our old pediatrician and his wife adopted a boy (at 7 yrs old) many years ago!!  He told me today that the biggest challenge for them was that he could never fully rely and trust on them!!  That was encouraging to hear.... and I could understand why since we have Eden.

The worry chair for Eden stopped being a safe place for Eden in her mind.  She began to worry that she would have to go to the worry chair.  Her worries are so intense and powerful, it leaves me drained most days on trying to know how to help her.  As I suspected from the beginning, almost ALWAYS Eden knows WHY she is worried and is almost ALWAYS able to use her words to articulate her feelings, although still she explains things differently then we think a lot.  The good news is that we are making progress.  I truly feel this!!  Eden had a worry spell at the dinner table again last night when I asked if her tummy was full.  She froze and then we had to work through it.... patience...a lot of it.. and then we found out she was worried she would be in trouble if she said she was full (which is the opposite of what we would think, right?)  Well, the truth is that she is living most of her days in rejection, even though she hasn't been rejected in our home.  She gets worried BEFORE she even starts to ask a question, thinking the answer will be no, even if the answer has never been NO!  When we ask her what happens if she is in trouble, she answers, "Nothing."  Our Eden is living miserably right now while she is trying to find her "normal" in our family.  Time..... patience......

Today was Eden's first day of school at Seiad Valley Elementary School.  Since Eden has been living so much in "rejection mode" lately, my home schooling hasn't been working out with her because I (& Cade) are the ones that feed her, take care of her, the ones that she is trying so hard to please and when I try to help her with her school work, or correct her, she takes this as rejection.  For now, I have quit homeschooling her while we are trying to help her sort through her fears.  (We still do Gardening 101 and card games, etc)  

The purpose of taking her to school for a couple hours (one day a week) is to boost her confidence with other kids, through a teacher that is not threatening to her and to help prepare her for next year.  We have done a lot of talking about going to school with Treva and Katreese and my hopes is that this time will give her something to look forward to over the summer, without worries of the unknown.  Yet, too much time at school right now would not be okay for Eden because of all the fears she is still dealing with.  I asked Eden if she would be okay by herself at school for a couple of hours (we have spent some time at school so I know she is familiar there).  She said, "Well, Katreese and Treva be there, right?"  I answered, "Yes, but they won't be in your classroom."  She asked if I could be there.  So, today, Bella, Bereket, and I sat in the classroom, adding to the chaos of a K-3 classroom (HA!!)!  Actually, it went very well.  Today I asked Eden is she would be comfortable by herself next time and she told me, "No."  We shall see now......  

I love Spring in so many ways (except for the pollen that aggravates my allergies).  I love how many lessons there are in the Springtime.  Spring means hope.  I looks outside and I see the grass greening up (even if it's raining and dreary out), the blossoms on the fruit trees show hope of fruit some day, the budding flowers show promise of beautiful flowers bringing beauty to the beds, the fresh tilled garden soil gives me hope of a garden, the trees budding out show there is life!  There is hope as long as there is life!  Even in the dreary rain (that I get tired of in the spring) shows promise that there will be a rainbow. Thankful that there is hope in everything while we are abiding in the Vine.