Eight Years Ago

I was the proudest ever to be pregnant the fourth time.  I don't know why.  It seems silly but I just remember being so happy when I was showing and people could tell I was pregnant again!  Maybe it is because four was my goal for the number of children we would have in our home.  I wanted AT LEAST that many!!  

I do remember well that I gained SO much weight with Kohlie and I didn't even care.  I probably figured this was my last one and I had the rest of my life to get the weight off!  Kohlie was a whopping 8 pounds and 13 ounces on the scale!!  She was the plumpest, pinkest, healthiest little robust baby I delivered!!  I felt a definite certain amount of pride for producing her..... and delivering her all natural at a bed and breakfast!!  

 Another perfect little baby girl was added to our family on April 25th, 2004.  I know that Cade was a wee bit disappointed that we didn't get a baby boy (Kohl was our boy name we had picked out) but I did not even feel the fainest disappointment.  I really was comfortable with my girls!!  I was a little surprised, actually, that I was not disappointed.  Little did we know that this new robust bundle of life was at that time most likely born with a small cell of cancer called neuroblastoma.  Often times with children who have neuroblastoma, they are born with it.  

Our sweet little angel was cherished, loved, kissed often.  I remember telling myself this could be my last baby and not one night went by without me kissing her.  Kohlie was also the easiest baby in terms of demands.  She was such a happy, easy-going baby!  This took some getting used to for me.  

One day I remember her crying and I was wondering what was wrong with her?  I knew she was tired.  Finally, I laid her down on the front porch (on a pillow) and to my amazement she fell right to sleep.  She was just trying to tell me, "I'm tired, Momma so please put me down to sleep!"  From then on, I always just put her in her bed when she was tired and she went off to dream land!

my sweet little tribe then!

 
 It's more than a little ironic that 4 years later, on Kohlie's exact birthday (one day after I gave birth to Clarabella), she met her baby sister for the first time!  It was definitely not planned that way by Cade or I.  Clarabella came early, knowing that her Mom was tired out and that her big sister, Kohlie, was anxious to meet her!

So it comes with such mixed feelings for me at this time of the year when we are celebrating Clarabella's birthday and then celebrating and remembering Kohlie's birth and her life and her last birthday four years ago with us!  Joy and sorrow interwoven.  God planned it so.

Kohlie is seeing Bella for the first time!

She is happy but quiet.

Kisses for her new baby sister.

This picture says so much *tears*  Nothing will come between you
and I, Kohlie!!

Her big, brown eyes could say so much!

I never imagined having more than 4 kids, but I was utterly happy
to be a momma to five!

Kohlie looks at Bella with Daddy!

So it was, Kohlie turned four years old and became a proud, loving, 
protective big sister to her new baby sister, Clarabella.

 Looking back at these pictures brought so many emotions back.  I didn't know if I could be enough to this new precious life as I was already grieving and preparing for the hardest thing I could comprehend, losing Kohlie!  So many fears, worries and emotions and yet, there were still demands and needs to be met.  Some people have asked how I did it, or how our family managed?  We didn't have any "out."  It is what life handed us.  We loved Kohlie desperately and nursed her and cared for her to keep her most comfortable as possible while nursing a baby, getting up through the night with an infant and a four year old with serious medical needs and somehow managing to give a lot of kisses to the other children who still needed us!  I am very thankful, once again, for my cousin Stephanie, who came and cooked for us and cleaned the house and was just there for whatever we needed but was NOT in the way!!  Most of all, I would rather remember with tears and smiles through tears this precious gift that came into our lives that we named Kohlie.  There is SO much I don't want to forget about this special time of April, when two little souls entered the world.