There are so many misconceptions about adoption. One is that you get your new baby / child / children and you live happily ever after. Adoption is HARD! I don't say this in any way implicating that I wish we wouldn't have went through the long and hard process to get Bereket and Eden in our home. I want to keep it real. Our pictures of our trip showed Eden and Bereket smiling happily with our family! We are a happy family but what you don't see in those pictures are the very hard moments we face from day to day, especially after the adjustment of vacation and trying to get back into our "normal" again!
I have heard so many people say, "Wow, they look so happy!" and "Bereket is always smiling!!" and on and on.... Yes, this is good and it is true that they appear happy and Bereket is very easy to smile. For those of you who may be considering adoption, it is hard! You have to be fully committed and dedicated!! Another misconception is that all you need is love! You need a whole lot more than love. You need a lot of patience, sympathy and comfort, understanding, guidance, discipline, structure, oh, and time!!
The past days have been beyond trying. It has left me weary and haggard but there is hope, with time and patience and endurance and love... We are in "training" mode with a few things, or shall I call it untraining! Thanks to the help and support of a good friend, she has helped me in some of my darkest hours and helped me to see hope and gave me some ideas from a professional stand point. When you feel like there are days you are doing more backpedaling than forward motion, you have to decide what can be changed!!
Eden has a "worry chair" and she has now went to the chair on her own at least once! That is such a huge step for her. She needs her worries and fears to be recognized and validated! Instead of it being an interrogation time, we are now letting her chose when and if she wants to talk. Bereket now gets in his high chair and the timer is set for 20 minutes. I have spent so many hours trying to get food down him. Now, he feeds himself and we don't tell him to eat, chew, or swallow. I think in the past couple of days he is finally getting the picture. If he doesn't eat and the timer goes off, he is done! This, of course, has been challenging because he'll come to me a short time later and sign, "eat." I remind him that mealtime is over. We are aiming for six times a day, so he gets plenty of opportunities and the timer is set to 20 minutes every time!!
The hardest part, is that these obstacles that we have been facing in the past while take so much energy, especially emotionally and I still have 4 other children who need me. This morning Bella asked me if I would set the timer for her!! SURE!! It was fun and it proved to Bereket that it was not a bad thing! Bereket sat in Eden's worry chair that she had out on Saturday and I came over to him and gave him a hug and said, "Oh, Bereket, I am sorry to see you are worried. Can I help you?!!" Bereket, of course, thought is was such a joke, but it was a good opportunity to show Eden and the other kids that the worry chair can be for anyone!! The point of the worry chair is for Eden to have a place she can show she is worried without having to say a thing! It makes a point for the whole family that Eden is having a hard time. When we call it her worry chair, we also know that the deep-set fears she has coming out may not be anything like we would think or recognize! Anything could set her off and although Mom and Dad usually can recognize it very quickly, Eden needs to be able to recognize it for herself and on her own!
We still are dealing with Bereket's stubbornness. I like what Krista said about his stubbornness. She said that it is likely that very "trait" is what kept his spirit alive at the orphanage. She said that some children die if they don't find some mechanism for dealing with intense abandonment, neglect, and betrayal they feel. We are now going through the confronting / reprogramming process with both of our "newbies" and it is hard!! However, seeing hope is like seeing light and that is always beautiful! Consistency and perseverance...... and onward we go!
We are Family
July /2015
3 comments:
Thanks for being honest on here! I love reading your posts.
kylee
Love it, Angela!
I appreciate you keeping it real. I'm thankful there is so much more information and understanding in regards to adoption than a generation ago (when my brother and sister were adopted). However, I still feel like the whole "oh, love is all you need" mindset is still pervasive...and misinformed. But it takes guts to speak up and say, "this is hard" when it involves such precious little lives. I think being real will go a long way to helping others understand this complex journey and help our little ones feel ok expressing their own fears and uncertainties. They are such survivors and that stubbornness...wow. We have that trait going on here loud and clear. While it's a challenge to direct that behavior at times, I just have to sit in awe at that little fighting spirit. I love the worry chair idea...I can see how that would be very helpful, especially with a child with limits in expressing words verbally.
Sweet, precious little kiddos. All of them.
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