I am writing about something that is very close to my heart these days. I am not exaggerating when I say that there are nights I lie awake with worry that the attachment and bonding process is securely taking place in my "newbies." What will be will be, you may say, but I think not!! Sometimes you have to be or not be, to make it!! Also, a reminder, this is not directed at any ONE person!!
Many of you may remember the earlier post I wrote passionately about attachment and bonding. If not, you can look it up and review it (I wrote it before Eden came home, in October) if you wish. Bereket is quite the charmer, who smiles easy and is social. Eden was more standoffish with strangers even from the beginning. Age does make a difference as well as personality. Our little guy has the most amazing smile, one that lights up his whole face and the thing is, when we have been with people (the little we have been out) he draws people to him like a magnet with that smile and those eyes and just pure charm!! While you all may think he looks so happy and are eager to hold him and touch him, it may not be best for helping secure his bonding and attachment process. While you may think it is great and wonderful that he is anxious to go to you and hug and kiss you, it concerns me. The truth is, if he and Eden do not get a proper attachment with us now, it will affect them for the rest of their lives. You may think I am being overprotective. Say I am, what would that hurt?! Cade and I are responsible for the outcome of these two precious lives and a mother wants the best for her children.
I am reading (again) The Connected Child, by Dr. Purvis and David Cross (well, that is when I can squeeze a paragraph in here and there, or sentence!) and even though I had already read about bonding and attachment, I enjoyed reading it again to reinforce staying firm! "Unattached children can display traits such as stealing, lying about the obvious, cruelty, and not making good judgements about friendships." You see, these children may not have the basic moral understanding that tells them not to hurt other people because they never get connected closely with another person. They never get the lesson, "Mommy and Daddy respond positively to me, so I want to respond positively to others." Children who have spent months or years in an orphanage setting can have difficulty attaching in a home environment!!
Our job as their parents is to give them loads of extra affection and kindness, set appropriate rules, structure, and boundaries, cuddling, feeding, and rocking (which kind of comes under the affection category), lessons on how families work together and stick together, and lessons in treating people with kindness and respect. All of these things help to build attachment skills. (So, if you wonder what we are doing at home, there are some answers.)
What can you do? Once again, first and foremost please just respect our wishes in knowing we are trying to do what is BEST for our "newbies." Second of all, support, which I think comes after respect. Next, please limit your interactions with our little one especially right now. DO NOT promote hugs and kisses from him. He gets plenty from his family. With time other personal interactions with him can be allowed. Understandably, Bereket's secure bonding and attachment phase may take longer than Eden's!! That means, we may be cocooning (or staying home out of the public's eye) for longer. On the up side, I do feel really good about Eden's bonding and attachment with her family!! I am so glad she is home with us all the time and that I did NOT put her in a public school!! There again, I feel we can't be careful enough!
Please don't underestimate the mama bear in me. Just ask my husband, I can be a real grizzly when it comes to interference with my children!!
12 comments:
I don't know a lot about the process but sure does make sense to me! How else is a child that hasn't really known family going to understand who they need to be connected to unless that is established from the beginning? Think so much of your family and all the change you're going through. It sounds like to me you all are doing an awesome job!
Amen to everything you said. I'm constantly wondering, "Is it her personality or are these attachment warning signs?" All the while trying to trust my own intuition in spite of what others say. I feel like I'm always pushing my bio kids forward, encouraging them to speak up and be friendly, while I'm pulling her closer to me, trying to discourage her frequent waving at strangers. It seems like quite the juxtaposition at times. Everyone means well, but very few people understand the complexity of it (unless they've gone through it themselves). I find that many things I sense and feel are difficult for me to even explain. So yes, mama bear, trust what you know to be true. It sounds like you're doing a great job of being in tune to the unique needs of your little guy. (I love that book, btw). Hugs.
Loved your post, Momma bear is very much needed right now, and keep up the great work!
Concerns well founded and point well taken. With several adopted nieces & nephews within our own extended family, we have seen first-hand how important those first days & months (and beyond) of bonding with the immediate family really are. You're correct in expressing your concerns to the world at large...
Beautifully expressed!!
Tammia,
Yes, you get it!! Thanks!
Thank you all for your wonderful comments!!! What an encouragement and support they are to me!!!
I can't begin to imagine all the time and energy and care needed to successfully bond with your "newbies"! I appreciate all you've written as I have read some about the attachment process. Continue to be the "Mama Bear" as you know best what your children need! Hugs to your whole amazing family!
Shirley Fiegi
This world needs more mama bears like you! Be firm and keep up the good work. :)
You ARE so correct. Having worked with kiddos who have attachment issues because of family traumas...all you are doing is wonderful. Keep up the good Work.
It took ourr family, me 4 years before i could say i felt Ryelynn was attached like she should be. Jospeh on the other hand I've never had ubber concerns for. Thinking of you lots now. i know how worrisome these days can be.
Stacie Forsberg
Thanks, Stacie, too for your comment!! A great reminder that it is a process and it does take time!!
Angela P.S. - Glad you feel good about the at attachment you have with Joseph, esp. with him being older!!
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