Hard Parts of Adoption

This past while this has been on my mind because of the reality at our house, which hardly any one sees, or understands, or even hears about!  Then, I ran into a post from another blog (I will post the link at the end of this post if you care to look it up!) which was right along the same lines of my own heart lately.

I have mentioned this before, but I will say it again and again through years to come I suppose.  Adoption can be a beautiful thing, but with ALL adoptions (no matter the age) it comes through a loss and even if your adopted child wasn't old enough to remember their specific loss (or losses), they will experience the loss, or grieving.  This is something I feel that so many do not take into consideration when they go into the process to adopt.  We did, however, think of this to a degree since we have experienced our own loss in losing a child.  However, I don't think there would be any way we could begin to understand this until we face it!

The truth is, Eden is grieving her losses.  This is part of the process.  It WILL happen somehow, someway, and it is necessary in order for her to move on through life!  As she grieves, we grieve with her.  I understand to some extent her loss, but I cannot imagine being in her shoes really......or her aunt's shoes!  As I watch Eden grieving, I VERY OFTEN think of her aunt grieving as well....!  Eden wonders how her aunt is and I think she is worried about her as well, because she knows her aunt must feel sad as she is too!  Eden told me one night after a very serious conversation that she prays for her aunt every night and I said to myself, "Me too, sweet girl!  Me too!"  I told her that is the MOST she can do!

Saturday Eden wanted to share her scrapbook with our company.  This always warms my heart!  She wants to share her life before she came to our home!  Not too long ago after another serious conversation about her aunt, I told Eden if she wanted to see the pictures that we have of her aunt that I would be more than happy to show them to her again!  (In fact, I have a picture I have been meaning to get framed of Eden and her aunt together to put in her room and I am going to do that one of these days!)  Anyway, Eden said she would but it was never pursued at that time.  On Saturday, our worker company asked to see pictures of our trips to ET and so we started looking through them.  Eden came in from playing and sat on my lap as we were looking through the pictures.  Since I knew there was a picture of her aunt (from our meeting with her) I asked Eden is she wanted to share a picture of her aunt to the workers?!  She shyly said, "YES!"  I made positively sure that she really wanted to.  She shook her head, "yes."  As soon as Eden saw the picture of her aunt, she started sobbing in my arms.  There was not a dry face in our circle as we felt Eden's loss!  

This is our life, the reality of adoption!  It doesn't seem fair, or natural.  Sometimes I feel it is more than I bargained for, but what about Eden?!  Often I feel so inadequate in comforting her, but the tears and the sharing is happening between Eden and I and as Eden's walls are coming down, a mother / daughter bond is truly happening.  I am very glad for that, and yet I couldn't say that I am glad Eden (or the rest of us) have to experience it, but the fact that it can make us closer, stronger, and more dependent on the One who controls all,  is something that we can be thankful for.  

The night after Eden's first day of school, I sat on the bathroom floor rocking a sobbing Eden for close to two hours as her worries and fears all came bubbling out!  On the surface, when she came home and gave me EVERY SINGLE detail of her day at school, it appeared that her first day went very well.  At one point she even said, "Mom, this is a VERY long story!"  I laughed and said, "Yes it is!!"  

You see, Eden going to school and being separated from me for that many hours, reminded her of KVI (her orphanage) and going to school there.  She relates being at KVI to when she lost her aunt, so it triggered major fears that she was going to lose me!  She sobbed (and I mean sobbed), "Mommy, I love you so much!  Mommy, I missed you!!  Mommy, I don't want to lose you!!"  Then, I was able to start putting the pieces of the puzzle back together and asked her if she had been reminded of going to KVI and if she was afraid she would lose me like she lost her auntie and was she afraid I would not pick her back up!!!  The emotions that came out of that girl were so intense....!  Treva and Katreese heard her sobbing from across the house and rushed into our bathroom to find me holding Eden and both of our faces and shirts were wet with tears.  I think, "Oh, I am sorry my girls have to see this!"  Then I think, "It is what it is!  This is our reality!"  How many people really understand the process?!  The loss, the gain, the challenges, the frustration,  the reward in every small or big thing, the emotional drain on the whole family, the adjustments????  

I have had people ask me about adoption and what would my advice be, what kind of information would I have liked to know before-hand.  The truth is, I have a hard time answering their questions!  Sometimes I think I could be more discouraging than encouraging because the truth is, it is really tough even though not for a moment do I think it was a mistake to adopt!!

Pict that Treva took

Eden showing her book

Caroline looking at her book

a special picture that will be prized forever

      
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The title of the post is A Birth Mother Never "Gets Over" Her Child.