Life As It Is

I decided before any more speculations are made about my "secrets" that it may be best to let you all know that #1, no, we are not growing again! and #2, it isn't that great of a secret....!

You know how when there are hard times in your life, whether it may be naturally or emotionally that sometimes you just.don't.feel.like.sharing?! Well, that has been the case for me.  So, in the most condensed possible way, I'll share with you that my not feeling well has been a combination of health issues (such as kidney stones) but also stress overload (my life)!  I am still grasping what this means and how I can change and overcome this hurdle that I am facing.  

I have not been the cheerful, over loving, ambitious mother that my kids have known me to be.  Truth be told, my body just is simply protesting.  I have had to be strong for so much in my life.  Getting married young, growing up quickly with having a baby so fresh into our marriage, Cade getting into a very bad logging accident and then dealing with paranoia afterwards, raising small kids plus a molar pregnancy (21 weeks along) between Cyrus and Treva and dealing with grief, busy life, having a daughter be diagnosed with cancer and the WHOLE weight of that through two years of trying to keep our family together while supporting and loving and caring for a 2 year old with cancer, facing grief before we even lost her because we knew her cancer was back and she would eventually lose the fight, watching her death, grief, grief, and more grief and a bit of glimpse of sun rays between as I cared for a newborn baby and three older kids as well as a husband dealing with grief, slow healing, then the adoption waiting game, two new children added to our home through adoption and all the phases that go with that process..... the past two year of transitioning once again and yet still there is an ever present pressure to be strong especially for these "newbies" who are still trying to find security...

I hadn't planned on laying out my life story but it seems to go along with all my thoughts.  Last week Cade was so very helpful and present so this momma could get a bit of extra rest and help while I was being doctored as well.  By the end of the week Eden was not doing well emotionally.  It just is not okay for her mommy to be sick because her reality is that people die or "go away" when they get sick! 

I have thought often of how our lives and decisions shape us.  I know this is not unusual but sometimes you don't even think you really know WHO you are anymore...  My being and who I have been and am has changed so much in my life time already!  Then, comes that famous saying, "You are in mid-life crisis!!"  REALLY?!!  

This was on a hike to clear my mind a couple weeks ago!! 

spring is happening!  The first baby calf.

Ryder dog, my hiking companion

First time mowing!!