Nineteen Years

Today marks nineteen years married for my hubs and I!!  All I can say, is that in ways marriage has gotten easier for us.  We have grown to understand each other more and love each other more and with that has come the ability to be able to support one another more too.

We were both pretty young when we married....  We didn't fight or argue much but our relationship hadn't endured hard experiences (I can't even truly say that because we had already endured our share of hardships - Cade's horrible logging accident when Cyrus was still a baby, my molar pregnancy and hemorrhaging badly after baby #2) and then we faced the experience of Kohlie having cancer.  I remember distinctly words being shared with us about the high percentage of marriages that don't make it when dealing with a child with terminal cancer.  I was a bit naïve.  I wasn't worried about our marriage... 

However, I had no idea how HARD it could be to have a relationship with a very sick child and being emotionally taxed and then us living on other ends of the state, me with Kohlie at the hospital and Cade at home with the kids trying to keep them in school.  I didn't realize how hard the devil would try to take advantage of our situation!! 

We made it through Kohlie's doctoring experience with my walls built up high around me.  I was in survival mode...  We had a really good summer mostly at home when our friend, Heather Boyd, came and helped us out!!  It was just what we needed!!  By the end of the summer we were sure Kohlie's cancer was back.  I was pregnant with #5 then.  (That was a very hard decision too.)  Cade told me I needed to go with him on his hunting trip.  He knew we needed to mend rifts in our marriage.  Little did I realize that it would be a turning point for us again.  I followed Cade around, hiking in the mountains, we would talk every chance we could.  The tears started flowing that trip and I hadn't even realized until years later when Cade told me it was the first time I had openly cried in front of him for a very long time!!  It was the beginning of a new chapter for us. 

One that led to true joy and sorrow interwoven!!  Realizing that Kohlie was not strong enough to fight the battle (even though she was quite a fighter) and we had to prepare for her last months, last days.....  You learned to appreciate every moment.  Little things.  Then, Clarabella was born the day before Kohlie's fourth birthday!!  This was what Kohlie had looked forward to for some time, to meet her baby brother or sister!!!  A new baby brings so much fresh joy and hope to a family.  It was the same in our case.  It brought joy and hope that life could and would go on after Kohlie left us.  In saying that, though, believe me, I knew she would in NO way replace Kohlie.  I had been grieving for Kohlie long before she died.  God laid it on our hearts that she would not make it!!  I had a very vivid dream for starters.  Although this was hard, I think it was God's way of helping us and preparing us!!  I am thankful for it.  Kohlie passed a little more than 2 months after Clarabella was born.

The grief, the grief!!  Guys grieve so differently than we women!!  It was hard!!  He could hardly handle my "very sad moments."  I knew I needed them and I wasn't going to push them away.  It was part of the very hard process of letting go...  Our marriage was taxed once again but we worked harder to communicate our feelings.  I needed to hear from Cade that he missed Kohlie and felt sad and that he still thought of her!! 

Roll forward to the adoption process.  One would think that after what we had endured that our marriage was rock solid and nothing could move it or us now!!  HA!  I think it was also just a preparation of what would come....  The whole adoption process and waiting and worrying and loving from afar was so emotionally draining!!  Many of you read my posts from then!!  We expected the "honeymoon phase" and "adjustment phase" to be hard but never would we have guessed there would be more we would face that is a lot harder!!!!

RAD, good ol' RAD tried to rip apart our marriage.  It was doing  a pretty good job of it, too, for a while.  Cade didn't understand and would blame me for things that were happening.  He slowly started "getting it" and seeing things differently.  RAD kids do the very best at breaking apart relationships, whether it be between their parents, their siblings, their teachers, their family...... 

This past year Cade shared with me that he feels we are closer than we have ever been in our marriage.  I had to whole heartedly agree.  Would that have been the case if we wouldn't have faced so many hard experiences?  I don't know...  All I know is there was definitely many times in my marriage that I was pretty independent.  I'm not saying that is a bad thing.  There is a time and purpose for that at times.  I'm just thankful that I need and love his support and friendship and I think that is the way a marriage is supposed to be.

Nineteen years....

US

Not that long ago I tried on my wedding dress for my kids!!

I was wanting to upload more pictures but am having problems with blogger on my new computer!!!!:/