HOW AN ADOPTIVE MOM BECOMES A “NURTURING ENEMY” (THE UNFORTUNATE EFFECTS OF REACTIVE ATTACHMENT DISORDER)
By Forrest Lien, Executive Director of the Institutefor Attachment and Child Development and
therapist for reactive attachment disorder
Sometimes the behaviors are overt. Other times,
subtle. One thing is consistent, however. Kids with
attachment disorder display maddening behaviors
that affect their mothers—hour after hour, day after
day. Hours turn to days. Days turn to years.
Years later, the mom feels exhausted, hopeless,
and angry.
subtle. One thing is consistent, however. Kids with
attachment disorder display maddening behaviors
that affect their mothers—hour after hour, day after
day. Hours turn to days. Days turn to years.
Years later, the mom feels exhausted, hopeless,
and angry.
I’m referring to the effects of the concept of the “nurturing enemy” – an idea I’ve witnessed firsthand throughout
my professional career of nearly 40 years.
my professional career of nearly 40 years.
The primal wound–loss of a biological mother
I read Nancy Verrier’s book The Primal Wound several years ago. Her book made a lot of sense in relation to
my work with adopted and foster children. Simply put, kids feel the effects of abandonment by their birth mothers
for a lifetime. Mothers carry babies in their womb when attachment begins, can breastfeed, and are in positions
for early bonding through these nurturing connections. If a mother neglects, abuses, and eventually abandons her
baby, that baby is a person with a “primal wound”. If a mother figure (i.e. adoptive or foster mom) connects with
a baby early enough—perhaps right from the hospital—the wound/loss isn’t usually as profound.
my work with adopted and foster children. Simply put, kids feel the effects of abandonment by their birth mothers
for a lifetime. Mothers carry babies in their womb when attachment begins, can breastfeed, and are in positions
for early bonding through these nurturing connections. If a mother neglects, abuses, and eventually abandons her
baby, that baby is a person with a “primal wound”. If a mother figure (i.e. adoptive or foster mom) connects with
a baby early enough—perhaps right from the hospital—the wound/loss isn’t usually as profound.
3 ways the primal wound/nurturing enemy plays out in the home:
1. In our work at the Institute for Attachment and Child Development, most of the children we work
with have a psychological battle with their mother figures.
These are the women—usually adoptive mothers—who do all they can to attach to their children. Due to their past
experiences with their biological mothers, children with reactive attachment disorder see maternal figures as threats
and push them away through a variety of behaviors.
with have a psychological battle with their mother figures.
These are the women—usually adoptive mothers—who do all they can to attach to their children. Due to their past
experiences with their biological mothers, children with reactive attachment disorder see maternal figures as threats
and push them away through a variety of behaviors.
2. Often, the father believes the problem lies with his wife rather than the child with reactive attachment
disorder.
Kids with reactive attachment disorder have keen abilities to superficially charm their fathers. The father doesn't
often see the consistent “push back” behaviors towards the mother. Yet, he often recognizes his wife’s anger and
frustration toward the child. Unfortunately, many marriages suffer as a result of this dynamic.
disorder.
Kids with reactive attachment disorder have keen abilities to superficially charm their fathers. The father doesn't
often see the consistent “push back” behaviors towards the mother. Yet, he often recognizes his wife’s anger and
frustration toward the child. Unfortunately, many marriages suffer as a result of this dynamic.
3. The mother becomes an entirely different parent—someone she never wanted to become.
In a child’s mind, this angry and exhausted mom feels like a threat. The child determines in his mind,
“If I relinquish parental control to this mom, she will hurt or leave me too.” As a result, this relationship only
perpetuates the child’s fear of close emotional relationships.
In a child’s mind, this angry and exhausted mom feels like a threat. The child determines in his mind,
“If I relinquish parental control to this mom, she will hurt or leave me too.” As a result, this relationship only
perpetuates the child’s fear of close emotional relationships.
4. The mother feels alone.
While the the mother certainly feels the burden of her child’s behaviors, the rest of
her support systems—including her husband, parents, and many therapists, etc.—don’t see it at all. The
mother feels isolated and “crazy”. This is when adoption disruption and divorce may occur.
While the the mother certainly feels the burden of her child’s behaviors, the rest of
her support systems—including her husband, parents, and many therapists, etc.—don’t see it at all. The
mother feels isolated and “crazy”. This is when adoption disruption and divorce may occur.
I understand how moms wince when I refer to them as the ‘nurturing enemy’. It’s certainly not the idea women
had in mind back when they once daydreamed about adoption. It’s important for these moms to understand that
they are not to blame and aren’t alone.
had in mind back when they once daydreamed about adoption. It’s important for these moms to understand that
they are not to blame and aren’t alone.
If you’re a parent in this situation, make sure to reach out to others who understand.
Please contact us or reach out to other parents on our Facebook page, other social media pages, or search for support
groups in your area.
Please contact us or reach out to other parents on our Facebook page, other social media pages, or search for support
groups in your area.
(Qualifier: When the father figure is the day-to-day primary caregiver for the child, he can also act as the
“nurturing enemy. However, I have yet to come across this uncommon dynamic in nearly 40 years of work as the
mother often fulfills such a role.)
“nurturing enemy. However, I have yet to come across this uncommon dynamic in nearly 40 years of work as the
mother often fulfills such a role.)
It took quite some time for Cade to understand the complexity and reality of our
situation, but I am super thankful that he understands and seeks to support me as
best he can!!! In our situation with E, it was her aunt whom she bonded with the
most and who abandoned her and rejected her, in her mind!! So, we have often seen
the comparisons in how E treats me compared to her aunt!! This is such a difficult
situation to deal with, day in and day out!!
situation, but I am super thankful that he understands and seeks to support me as
best he can!!! In our situation with E, it was her aunt whom she bonded with the
most and who abandoned her and rejected her, in her mind!! So, we have often seen
the comparisons in how E treats me compared to her aunt!! This is such a difficult
situation to deal with, day in and day out!!
3 comments:
Oh my goodness, this is spot on for us! Except for the part about the father not believing (I think very involved fathers see the behavior, even though it's usually with less intensity than the mom experiences).
That deep primal wound...this person does a great job of explaining that he resulting behaviors. I have never heard the term "nurturing enemy", but what a fitting description. Thanks for sharing.
It could be that Eden's situation is more complicated than the environment to which she was brought, however loving and well-meaning, is not her homeland. She could well be grieving the loss of that as well.
I talk as an adoptee, not as an adoptive mother.
Just keep praying and stay encouraged! Our God is bigger than our burdens. A way will be made.
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